Write five "lies" about something you feel strongly about, in which each lie uses sarcasm to describe a person, event, or situation; essentially writing the opposite of your feelings towards it. Ex: how peaceful Black Friday shopping is or what a self esteem boost you get from cat-calling. This can make a rant hilarious and tasteful rather than whiny.
Five Lies About Riding in an Airplane
I
Everyone you meet is like a long-lost friend
Ah what a refreshing treat to meet such friendly, understanding faces wherever you go. The security employees are real gems. With all the patience in the world, they gently usher way-ward children to the conveyor belts. Having trouble removing your socks? How embarassing is it that your metal hip replacement set of the metal detector! Not to worry, for the security detail watching you hold up the line only smile at you gently. With every fiber of their being, it is clear that these employees are just begging to bring a smile to your day. The horror stories about passengers receiving dirty looks, eye rolling and general rays of hatred couldn't possibly be true. How could they be when the employees are paid so generously?
II
The cramped interior of the plane only serves to bring you closer to your fellow passengers
As you walk down the tunnel to board the plane, everyone seems to be in a competition to outdo the other with politeness. Why, a gracious mother of five children insisted that I board first. I had, obviously incorrectly, expected her to use her bulk to barge past everyone, dragging bratty children with her. Boy, was I wrong! She wouldn't take no for an answer. Despite her kindness, there were thankfully enough seats for everyone to have their own window seat! But most seemed to prefer to sit next to complete strangers. Sharing an armrest with a flirty twelve year old was definitely a highlight, I didn't even mind the occasional cheesy pickup line. With so many hours of scintillating conversation, why not pretend the person next to your is your therapist and relay your life story?
III
The airline doesn't want your money, just the pleasure of you enjoyable company!
The Sky Mall catalogs are filled with so many bargains. Practically everyone was eagerly scanning its contents, hurriedly pulling out their checkbooks in their haste to get their hands on pajama jeans and side tables doubling as litter boxes. But don't be fooled, the airline isn't after pocket change silly! They are just thoughtful enough to anticipate every need that you could possibly have. And as you're flying miles high in the air at jet speed, it is only inevitable that you will be searching for your next memory-foam dog bed purchase.
IV
Air planes are really bad elements for suspenseful movies
I've always been stumped about this one. What was Liam Nelson thinking when he decided to act in Non-Stop? As if terrorists could ever take over a plane! Everyone loves the U.S; but no one as much as North Korea. Anyway, airplanes only elicit feelings of safety and companionship. Why, riding in one would be a downright snoozefest if there weren't so many cool strangers to talk to! There's nothing adrenaline pumping about only a layer of bullet-proof glass separating you from the soul sucking, freezing chill of the stratosphere. Emergencies are rare, and panicking evern more so. Everyone paid such devoted attention to the safety briefing at the start of the flight. Plus, with such high rates of survival from a plane crash, the only thing you have to fear is losing that great book you were reading as you calmly plummet to the Earth.
V
The best seats are aisle seats
The views from so high in the sky are really nothing to get excited about. Due to this unfortunate fact, most chose to avoid the window seat entirely. Hopefully the airline will get the hint and just remove the windows altogether. Might as well protect their customers from the cringe-fest they receive whenever they accidentally gaze out the window and survey the ugly pieces of scenery. The millions of lights beaming stardust at you in the black of the night is really the opposite of inspirational. The spiderweb of radioactive technology twisting out over the rounded expanse of the planet is hardly worth a head turn. Everything is so small, and the feeling that the Earth is so beautiful and large and that you'll never cease to discover its wonders is a dangerous thought. Whimsical thinking is known to be a sign of a loss of touch with reality. Put on your thickest sleep mask and leaved the awed gazing to the romantics-nothing to see here!
If you decide to try this prompt, I would love to see what you come up with! These prompts are a learning experience for me, and I hope they can help other inspiring writers. Peace out chicarrones, and happy writing!
